At first, I totally read the first line as, "At any given moment, Rodney's cock is counting down the minutes to his next cup of coffee", and that set the surreal tone for the whole thing.

I love the summary of Rodney's previous sex life:

"Um."

"In return, I (we) will perform (mostly) decent (but sometimes mediocre) sexual acts upon your person."

"Ok."

If TPTB could grasp this, they wouldn't continue in their delusion that Rodney must be a virgin. Which, if you know anything about (a) physicists and (b) what DH looked like when he was younger, is patently unbelievable.