There's something to be said about waking up at 5:30 and writing a fic off the top of your head.

(Set around the episode that spawned a thousand fics, aka "The Lost Boys", because I'm easily influenced like that.)




Given a Choice, It Would Always Be Sunday
johnrodney, r
12 november 2005

*

At any given moment, Rodney's clock is counting down the minutes to his next cup of coffee.

The thing about drugs is if you won't believe you're addicted, then your body doesn't really understand what it's missing. It's like the itch on the roof of your mouth that aches worse after you've scratched it but also grates away at your nerves with finely tuned irritation if you don't.

Except, you know, it's not really like that at all.

It's like life. You wake up glad you've survived another day, days, another hour or nanosecond of more more more, but mostly it's just one subconsciously constituted breath to the next, wondering where it's all going and when has it been all that great once you got there.

It's like Atlantis with her mysteries and dangers and no easy answers.

It's like coffee.

Rodney thinks: caffeine caffeine caffeine until he's hard and gripping the sheets.

He thinks: John Sheppard's hands which is no man's land but at least it's better than thinking about the wraith enzyme.

*

Sheppard said: This is the plan.

Rodney said: It's a bad plan.

Sheppard said: It might work because he's Sheppard and crazy plans usually turn out sort of ok with him.

When Sheppard touched his shoulder, Rodney thought: You should kiss me now, which is how he knew he had become completely irrational as a drug addict.

*

Rodney once had a dream in which Samantha Carter gave him a blowjob in the bathroom of his old high school wearing a little blue cheerleader’s uniform. It was incredibly hot, but he didn't come until she pulled off and said: potential energy equals m times g times h where m equals mass, g equals gravity, and h equals height.

Potential energy was the reason why Rodney fell in love with physics in the first place.

*

Despite most base assumptions, Rodney's never had a fantasy about Teyla.

Sure, she's hot in a midriff-showing Amazon princess sort of way because hello, he has eyes, but he also has ears and he's heard her say "I have traded with these people" one too many times before being shot at to be enthralled. Plus, if he wanted some pretty liberal arts girl espousing the benefits of cultural exchange, he'd watch the Travel Channel.

(Well, ok, they don't really get cable in the Pegasus Galaxy, but the whole point is he wouldn't want to anyway.)

Rodney's always associated attraction with cute but dorky blonds (and brunettes and that one memorable redhead) who spouted esoteric science jargon in their sleep and got hot and bothered by multiple doctorate degrees and tenure.

It might be pragmatism, but Rodney likes to think that he really is one of those high-browed individuals who's turned on by intelligence instead of say, exotic Amazon priestesses (princesses, whatever) unlike certain Kirky individuals.

Rodney McKay likes girls who are: cute, dorky, smart, girls.

Except, ok, there was that time in college with the blackout and final exams, and Mike had a really hot mouth...

How did that go again?

*

It went like this:

"Listen McKay, my GPA really can't take another B+, and Thompson is a really hard grader! "

If Rodney was a better man, he'd feel vaguely sympathetic but the way Mike is sniffling and clutching his arm is mostly just pathetic and not at all hot, so: "This is why you should have studied."

"But Rodney, there's no light."

Rodney smiled smugly. "That's really too bad for you."

"Come on, I'll give you a blowjob." Which, in hindsight, actually wasn't saying much since Mike was pretty much a slut.

"Yeah, you don't really do anything for me so not a fair trade."

"I'm actually pretty good you know. I bet you really want to put your hot tool in my dirty mouth, yeah," Mike moaned.

Rodney wished there was enough light to see his watch because he should be thinking about going to bed early with that test tomorrow. "Are you trying to talk dirty to me?" he asked, yawning.

"Um, yes? Please Rodney. " Mike's voice was starting to get abnormally high and maybe it was a good thing that he was probably going to fail (well, not fail fail because after all, geniuses, but B range for sure) if the stress was getting to him. "I just need you to go over that bit about blackbody radiation."

Rodney felt his cock twitch. "Hmm," he said, "what was that about my tool?"

"You want to put it in my dirty mouth?" Mike said hopefully.

"Not so much, no." Rodney thought, outlier.

"Wait! The average energy per mode for quantized modes is hv over e to the hv over kT minus 1," Mike said stroking Rodney's cock through his jeans.

Rodney thought, well, who says no to a blowjob anyway? "Ok, how well can you enunciate with your mouth full?"

It turns out not very well, but Rodney was too busy thinking oh my god oh my god coffee oh my god to notice.

*

Later on, Mike switched over to the biology program and is now studying a rare tropical lemur in Costa Rica.

After all, there's only so much Rodney can do for an admittedly pretty good blowjob.

*

There was also once before that in high school and a couples of times in Colorado not to mention that orgy in Siberia...

How did those go again?

*

They basically went like this:

"(Dr.) McKay, I (we) need your incredibly brilliant and superior brain to save my (our) ass(es) from certain (academic) doom."

"No."

"But look, geek talk that at least makes you reexamine my (our) worthiness to continue in the scientific field."

"Um."

"In return, I (we) will perform (mostly) decent (but sometimes mediocre) sexual acts upon your person."

"Ok."

*

Rodney’s never been very good at relationship things, but he does just fine with sex. He’s always figured that if relationships were more about sex and less about elucidating your feelings, he’d do much better.

This is why he gets along with Sheppard: John’s never been able to respond to a “What do you feel about me?” without squirming.

*

When Ford's goons were dragging Rodney away, Sheppard said: This was not part of the plan.

Rodney said: Help, Colonel, help! but what he meant was duh and what he thought was oh my god oh my god coffee oh my god, where coffee equals wraith enzyme.

That was how he knew he was addicted.

*

In high school, Rodney had one popular friend who was a jock and dated someone not in the math club. He liked to come over to Rodney's house after school and play video games or mess around with the computer/car/automatic-thought-enabled-coffee-maker that Rodney was building.

Like most guys, he also liked things that go very fast, sports, and bad porn, though Rodney didn't know about the last part until he found his subscription to Playboy.

Rodney was never very sure why they were friends except that they both liked Intellivision better than Atari and he didn't seem to get offended when Rodney insulted his intelligence.

He was charming and fun and smart when he wanted to be, and thinking back, Rodney, and the rest of the student body, might've been a little enamored with him.

His name was something like Jeff, but Rodney can't remember anymore.

*

His name was actually Dan though he went by T.J. in college. No one really knows why. He went on to become an accountant at a local advertising firm and lived a thoroughly bland life, though you wouldn't have expected it in high school.

Jeff was his brother who later joined a rock band and in a twist of coincidence, dated one of Sheppard's ex-girlfriends. He died in his early 40s from a drug overdose.

Life’s just funny like that.

*

The point is, Rodney usually has very logical friends. Which is to say, not that his friends were very logical people (which they were because again, geniuses) but that they were his friends for logical reasons.

Rodney McKay is: very intelligent (and later on, very influential with the right people).

Usually, that's enough, but here in Atlantis, he's had to be something more. It's like high school and Dan (who Rodney still thinks of as Jeff) and being a person first. It's worrying about what people think about you, wondering when they're going to be really pissed off for once and walk away (or get brainwashed by some exotic Amazon bimbo and lose all rational faculties), but mostly it's just enjoying the ride.

It didn't take the wraith enzyme for Rodney to dream about John Sheppard's hands, his mouth, or the way his skin would taste if he leaned a little more. Rodney's just usually too tired to remember his dreams in the morning.

*

The reason Rodney said "This is a bad plan" is because it was a bad plan. Drugs didn't change that.

Rodney wishes he went with his instincts more often, though tied up in the back of a cave with one of Ford's goons looming over him, it's too late to change that now.

*

Actually, not long after, that goon went crazy with enzyme-withdrawal and spent his last days seeing Wraith shadows in the sunlight.

If Rodney had known this, he would have spared a moment to sympathize because yeah, he knows how that feels.

*

One of these days, Rodney figures John Sheppard will be wrong in a way that gets them all killed and sends the wraith fleet on a first class trip to their new feeding ground.

(Actually, this never happens. In a spirit of optimism, fate lets them all --almost all-- live happy, productive lives dying from old age the natural way. The Wraith stay in the Pegasus Galaxy, and Earth declares them heroes.)

But today, John Sheppard is wrong in the best possible way, that is: kicking wraith ass and knocking out Ford's (relatively) non-crazy goon and saving the day.

This is what they do: they save each other's life better than they save their own.

When they finally make it back, Elizabeth hugs them both at once so that Rodney is pressed against Elizabeth's breasts and Sheppard's side, so that he feels skin, warm against his own, as Atlantis welcomes them home in a sea of greens and blues.

Rodney thinks: It's going to be ok, now.

Of course, in a day, in an hour, he'll feel the last of the enzyme worm its way through his system as he screams for more more and please, stop.

*

As Kurt Vonnegut would say: So it goes.

As Rodney McKay would say: Well, if I were given a choice, it would always be Sunday, which, given that there are six other days in the week, just shows you what the universe thinks of Rodney McKay and his preferences.

(As I would say: Eh, that's life, but that's neither here nor there.)

So it goes.

*

When Rodney first remembers waking up after going off the enzyme, it's to the feel of cool fingers against the sharp felt of his wrist restraints.

He says: Sheppard and doesn't understand why it hurts to whisper, why everything hurts.

Shepard says: Oh god, Rodney, you're awake, and It's going to be ok, and hey.

It's Sheppard's hands that he feels when he's drifting back to unconsciousness.

*

The night before they were going to carry out Sheppard's Bad Plan (under the guise of Ford's Bad Plan), Rodney had walked into Sheppard's room and said: We should have sex now.

He said: It's not as crazy as flying into a Wraith hive ship.

He said: It's not the enzyme. Then he added: Unless you want it to be the enzyme. Then it's totally the enzyme.

He said: Please, I want this. Please, John, please.

Sheppard said: What the hell? and took off his pants. It's what Sheppard usually said to the crazy things he did that he couldn't properly justify.

*

John Sheppard's made a lot of life changing decisions by flipping a coin. It probably doesn't say much about his leadership abilities, but it's why he joined the Air Force and why he didn't marry Amanda. It's why he came to Atlantis.

Sometimes for the really important choices, he does two out of three.

So when Rodney is declared a Recovering Enzyme Addict and let out of the infirmary, John grabs his lucky quarter and thinks: heads yes, tails no, where yes equals sex with Rodney and no equals no.

When the coin comes up heads, he does it again because you can always use a second opinion. When it's still heads, John's beginning to think that maybe the coin has a point; after all, he's been falling asleep to the memory of Rodney's ass around his cock.

The thing is, John's learned a long time ago that you have to stand by fate's decisions because otherwise he'd probably be stuck in the suburbs right now with a wife and kids and missing the rush of liftoff.

*

This is what you have to know about John Sheppard: John Sheppard is a really good guy, the best kind, the kind that'll die for his people, but he still knows how to crack a joke in dire circumstances when you really need it.

Rodney thinks he must know John pretty well because he's learned all that the first week, and what more do you really need to know about a guy?

*

Rodney would later on learn that John's favorite color is blue and that he can only throw back about three beers before he got affectionately drunk.

Also, John likes to hog the pillows at night, which was almost a deal breaker, but as John pointed out, no one in their right mind would throw away great sex for pillows.

*

When Sheppard came back from death by nuclear explosion that first time, Rodney was too busy falling in love with the ZPM to notice.

But later that night, getting drunk and watching something besides Sheppard's Hail Mary for a change, Rodney had a five-minute daydream in which he got down on his knees and sucked Sheppard off right in the middle of the media room.

He woke up horny and tired and thinking: oh my god oh my god coffee oh my god, where coffee equaled coffee.

*

This is what you have to know about Rodney McKay: Rodney McKay is a really good guy, the best kind, the kind that'll die for his people, but he'll be so busy complaining about it first that you'll almost forget to be grateful.

John's never been the forgetting type.

*

John spends five minutes outside Rodney's door, fidgeting with his hands, but eventually he figures that was just stupid and not fooling anyone.

He goes in without knocking because Atlantis' doors have always made knocking a bit silly and John is uncomfortable enough as it is.

Rodney says: Colonel?

John says: I think we should keep having sex.

He says: It's still a crazier universe.

He says: I didn't tell you this before, but I really liked it. The sex, I mean. And you said it wasn't the enzyme.

Rodney says: Colonel?

John says: What do you think?

*

Rodney was thinking: oh my god oh my god coffee oh my god, where coffee equals John Sheppard.

*



ETA: Now typo-controlled thanks to the lovely isiscolo.
ETA2: And with a faboulous cover by the fabulous wychwood!